Big, Bad, Ben

Shake your head in disappointment and whisper “what an idiot” with me. This sentiment has been applied to so many marquee athletes these days you probably don’t know whom I’m referring to. Now try to get over the fact that I used “whom” in a sentence and let’s discuss Ben Roethlisberger. Two time Super Bowl champion. Went 15-1 in his rookie season. The anti-douche to Tom Brady’s douche. Sure he had the motorcycle accident and the alleged transgression in Lake Tahoe, but he bounced back in the eyes of the public (thanks in large part to ESPN hardly mentioning the story and the boastful accuser). Up until days ago, he was football’s version of Jeff Bridges: questionable facial hair, but a deserving, likable, and slightly pudgy American man that fans could relate to. And now he’s hiring Ray Lewis’s lawyer to defend against another accusation of sexual assault.

If you hire the lawyer whose greatest-hits list of clients includes Ray Lewis, T.I., and Dany Heatley, clearly you are worried about something. Like every sports anchor, writer, analyst, and talking head says, I don’t want to presume innocence or guilt, but this is not a good sign. Ray Lewis and two pals were charged with murder and aggravated assault but ultimately had the charges dropped and were given probation. No other arrests were made in the case. Ummm, excuse me? Another client, rapper T.I., had 3 unregistered machine guns in his possession (for those of you scoring at home, yes, that is a felony) and was only given a brief jail sentence and 1 year of house arrest. Wait, what? Client #3, hockey star Dany Heatley, recklessly drove 100MPH on a windy, rural road and then crashed, killing his teammate and passenger Dan Snyder. The result: probation and community service. Huh? The lawyer, Ed Garland, can be viewed as two things: (a) the embodiment of everything wrong with the US justice system; or (b) good at reducing the consequences of questionable behavior. Either way, Roethlisberger hired Garland to clean up the mess made by Little Ben. And by Little Ben I mean his penis.

When I first read the breaking news on espn.com, my dyslexia kicked in and I swore the name of the town in question was “Midgetville” which most people know is located in Vienna, VA. The thought of Roethlisberger assaulting a midget in Vienna gave me goose bumps of excitement and my imagination ran rampant for a solid 25 seconds. I could see the 6 ft 5in QB turning down mildly attractive Madison High School alumni and townies at the Vienna Inn, ultimately setting his sights on a 3 ft 6 in hottie. Sadly, I realized it was Milledgeville, GA. The assault allegedly occurred after a night out drinking and partying with GCSU students on a strip of bars referred to as “MillyVegas”. Really Ben? You and the boys decided to go party with GCSU students in “MillyVegas”? Now I’m no expert, but if anyone outside of Georgia has heard of GCSU, they’re lying. And if you know what it stands for, you googled it just now to see.

My in depth research found that the demographics of Georgia College & State University are similar to that of the great College of William and Mary: 5100 undergraduates, 900 grads. So basically, it’s as if Ben Roethlisberger, star quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, grabbed a few buddies, headed over to the Green Leafe one Thursday night, proceeded to get hammered with underage students, and left the next day with charges of sexual assault. Here’s where my “what an idiot” sentiment comes into play. With celebrity status comes a new set of rules. You can’t hook up with random college girls and you certainly can’t sexually assault them. Roethlisberger dodged a huge bullet with the Lake Tahoe shenanigans and no matter what happens now, he’s going to be marred for the rest of his life because of this new accusation. Why not just marry a super model like Brady? Or date multiple celebrities like Romo? Or even bang dudes like Matt Stafford? Assuming Roethlisberger does not get charged or the charges are eventually dropped, he’s likely to continue being a moron in the future and that’s what pisses me off the most. It’s just like every character on Lost: no one can seem to get away from their character flaws no matter how obvious and damaging they may be. Why is it that these successful athletes do such stupid things (see: Eldrick Woods)? Is it their ego? Is it a subconscious need to push the limits of their celebrity status? Is it an underlying fear that their success is fleeting? I don’t know, but like everything else in sports, it’s intriguing.

Let's Make a Deal...Just Not a Fair One

Barry Zito.

Andruw Jones.

J.D. Drew.

I could ask you what these three Major Leaguers have in common, but that would just insult your intelligence. Clearly, all three were ridiculously overpaid in their respective free agent offseasons. But hey, it happens right? Wrong. There is a growing trend in professional baseball that is pushing the limits of spending past the "He got paid how much?!" boundary to the "What the hell was that owner smoking?!" boundary. One man is spearheading this trend. He is the man-who-must-not-be-named in Major League front offices. He inspires greed in the most charitable of men. He makes Donald Trump look like Bono (I know, that one's a stretch...work with me). His name: Scott Boras. Oh, did you hear it? That was the collective sphincters of GM's throughout the league tightening. Scott Boras. There it was again. You know that feeling you get on an airplane when all of a sudden for no reason the plane drops about 5,000 feet and your testicles jump into your small intestines? That's the feeling Mike Rizzo and Stan Kasten have had for the last month leading up to tomorrow's midnight deadline.

Let me set the scene for you. You're the President of the worst team in baseball. Last year, your team lost 102 games and this year you're at the bottom again. You failed to sign the #8 overall pick in the draft a year ago but have hit the jackpot this year in selecting arguably the greatest prospect ever: Stephen Strasburg. Things begin to look up. Fans are showing up to games in homemade Nationals' Strasburg jerseys. Your team's offense ranks among the best in the National League, and thanks in large part to your hard-working marketing and promotions department, fans are happy to come to the two year old, state of the art ballpark. There's only one problem: you have yet to come to terms with said prospect. And oh by the way, the deadline to sign this phenom is midnight TONIGHT!

Well it sounds simple enough. Just offer the kid the highest ever signing bonus for an amatuer, topping Mark Prior's record setting $10.5 million deal. Add about 10% on to that, plus an extra $2 mill just for shits and giggs, and bam, we have a deal. Ask any rising college senior how they'd feel about receiving roughly $13 million and getting to play baseball for a living. I'm pretty sure 99.999% would say "wait, what?" and then probably "Hell Yes!". So what's the problem? Scott Boras. Strasburg, Boras contends, should receive the same negotiating fee the Red Sox paid to talk to Daisuke Matsuzaka. Yeah, $50 million for a college senior, that sounds fair. Because clearly the heavy hitters on teams like BYU, the University of Utah, and the Air Force Academy are as talented as the major league rosters Strasburg will face in the near future. Don't get me wrong, right now he's got amazing stuff, but who knows what could happen? Some of the #1 picks in the last 15 years never lived up to expectations, so who's to say Strasburg is a lock? See Matt Anderson ('97), Bryan Bullington ('02), and Kris Benson ('96). Excluding Benson's wife, none of these three has produced anything worthwhile to the MLB in their pro careers.

So with 24 hours to go, somehow the Nationals and he-who-must-not-be-named will have to come to an agreement on the fate of Stephen Strasburg. Rumors are swirling about various offers in the $15 to $20 million range, which to me should be enough. But ultimately, i put the solution to this debacle squarley in the hands of the 21 year old Strasburg. If that means telling Boras to back the f*#k off and putting on your big boy shoes, then so be it. Take a page out of the Matt Stafford playbook and embrace the city that selected you. I think the final offer will be $20 million. If that doesn't get Strasburg to the front of the Nationals rotation, then the people of Washington D.C. should be glad they didn't end up with a greedy, immature, ball player unwilling to prove his worth.

Kevin Youkilis Gets Hit, Tackled, Suspended for 5 Games

When I saw the headline on espn.com that Kevin Youkilis and Rick Porcello had been ejected for an alleged "bench clearing brawl" Tuesday night, my inner crazed MMA fan began to imagine a battered and bloodied Porcello, writhing in pain after taking a beating from one of the scariest looking baseball players in the game. I instantly reminisced about the Yankees-Red Sox brawl where Manny Ramirez waited for an inside strike as an excuse to charge Roger Clemens, thus causing Don Zimmer to inexplicably charge Pedro Martinez, resulting in hilarity for millions.

Since the game hadn't ended yet, I couldn't find video of the "brawl" so I waited in anticipation while at work. My imagination ran wild. I could only hope that this brawl would be half as exciting as the Yanks and the Sox from a few years ago, but regardless, I expected entertainment. I mean, some of the greatest moments in baseball happen more often than a good ole bench clearing fight. I googled "baseball fights" and found a top 10 list that included some of my old favorites. First there was Nolan Ryan standing dead still on the mound waiting for a very stupid Robin Ventura to take his headlocked beating. Next there was Gerald Williams taking a LONG time pretending to walk to first and then charging Pedro Martinez. Finally, there's little known Izzy Alcantara with by far the best technique in charging the mound (kick catcher, charge mound, ward off infielders). Needless to say, I was excited to see what the Youkah had in store.

When I got home from work, I turned on the TV (already on ESPN of course) and waited for the highlights of the game. Luckily, Baseball Tonight was already in the midst of analyzing every angle of the incident. After watching and re-watching the sequence of events, I was outraged. Kevin Youkilis, aka resident badass for a recently swept Red Sox team, not only got hit by the pitch, but executed a feeble tackle attempt that resulted in a body slam from the great Rick Porcello (who?). How could this happen? The Youkah is supposed to inspire fear and respect from opposing pitchers. It wasn't as if 170 lbs of Nick Green or Jacoby Ellisbury were making a bee line for the pitcher. No, it was the bald headed, beard wielding, crazy eyed, 220 pounded Youkah. And he got body slammed. Major League Baseball should have seen that as punishment enough and not suspended him. I have lost so much respect for Youkilis after this. How could this happen? I mean, if it were Kyle Farnsworth, I could understand, but Rick-My teammates will finally know my name-Porcello?

Baseball is in such disarray these days, fans have very little to count on. Steroids have tainted nearly every current big name in the game and have cast shadows of doubt over all those not mentioned in the Mitchell Report or the Government's list of 104 names. But when I hear about a brawl, especially one involving a guy who looks more like a member of Hell's Angels than a baseball player, I expect to see at least 3 landed punches on the pitcher's body and someones blood smeared on someone else's jersey. Instead, i got a thrown helmet and a missed tackle. Thanks Kevin.