Big, Bad, Ben

Shake your head in disappointment and whisper “what an idiot” with me. This sentiment has been applied to so many marquee athletes these days you probably don’t know whom I’m referring to. Now try to get over the fact that I used “whom” in a sentence and let’s discuss Ben Roethlisberger. Two time Super Bowl champion. Went 15-1 in his rookie season. The anti-douche to Tom Brady’s douche. Sure he had the motorcycle accident and the alleged transgression in Lake Tahoe, but he bounced back in the eyes of the public (thanks in large part to ESPN hardly mentioning the story and the boastful accuser). Up until days ago, he was football’s version of Jeff Bridges: questionable facial hair, but a deserving, likable, and slightly pudgy American man that fans could relate to. And now he’s hiring Ray Lewis’s lawyer to defend against another accusation of sexual assault.

If you hire the lawyer whose greatest-hits list of clients includes Ray Lewis, T.I., and Dany Heatley, clearly you are worried about something. Like every sports anchor, writer, analyst, and talking head says, I don’t want to presume innocence or guilt, but this is not a good sign. Ray Lewis and two pals were charged with murder and aggravated assault but ultimately had the charges dropped and were given probation. No other arrests were made in the case. Ummm, excuse me? Another client, rapper T.I., had 3 unregistered machine guns in his possession (for those of you scoring at home, yes, that is a felony) and was only given a brief jail sentence and 1 year of house arrest. Wait, what? Client #3, hockey star Dany Heatley, recklessly drove 100MPH on a windy, rural road and then crashed, killing his teammate and passenger Dan Snyder. The result: probation and community service. Huh? The lawyer, Ed Garland, can be viewed as two things: (a) the embodiment of everything wrong with the US justice system; or (b) good at reducing the consequences of questionable behavior. Either way, Roethlisberger hired Garland to clean up the mess made by Little Ben. And by Little Ben I mean his penis.

When I first read the breaking news on espn.com, my dyslexia kicked in and I swore the name of the town in question was “Midgetville” which most people know is located in Vienna, VA. The thought of Roethlisberger assaulting a midget in Vienna gave me goose bumps of excitement and my imagination ran rampant for a solid 25 seconds. I could see the 6 ft 5in QB turning down mildly attractive Madison High School alumni and townies at the Vienna Inn, ultimately setting his sights on a 3 ft 6 in hottie. Sadly, I realized it was Milledgeville, GA. The assault allegedly occurred after a night out drinking and partying with GCSU students on a strip of bars referred to as “MillyVegas”. Really Ben? You and the boys decided to go party with GCSU students in “MillyVegas”? Now I’m no expert, but if anyone outside of Georgia has heard of GCSU, they’re lying. And if you know what it stands for, you googled it just now to see.

My in depth research found that the demographics of Georgia College & State University are similar to that of the great College of William and Mary: 5100 undergraduates, 900 grads. So basically, it’s as if Ben Roethlisberger, star quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, grabbed a few buddies, headed over to the Green Leafe one Thursday night, proceeded to get hammered with underage students, and left the next day with charges of sexual assault. Here’s where my “what an idiot” sentiment comes into play. With celebrity status comes a new set of rules. You can’t hook up with random college girls and you certainly can’t sexually assault them. Roethlisberger dodged a huge bullet with the Lake Tahoe shenanigans and no matter what happens now, he’s going to be marred for the rest of his life because of this new accusation. Why not just marry a super model like Brady? Or date multiple celebrities like Romo? Or even bang dudes like Matt Stafford? Assuming Roethlisberger does not get charged or the charges are eventually dropped, he’s likely to continue being a moron in the future and that’s what pisses me off the most. It’s just like every character on Lost: no one can seem to get away from their character flaws no matter how obvious and damaging they may be. Why is it that these successful athletes do such stupid things (see: Eldrick Woods)? Is it their ego? Is it a subconscious need to push the limits of their celebrity status? Is it an underlying fear that their success is fleeting? I don’t know, but like everything else in sports, it’s intriguing.